Every September since the late 90’s has been bitter-sweet.
This year, I chose to dwell on the positives and not question my reality, believing that ALL things work together for my good (Rom 8:28). This statement is all-inclusive – it’s not restricted to just the good things. It is often hard to accept that tragedies that bring grief can eventually work out for our good.
I agree with Miss Adebayo of ” Half of A Yellow Sun”:
“Grief is the celebration of love, those who feel real grief were lucky to have loved.”
I’m still learning daily to accept that the only man I’ve truly loved without reservation will not be coming back. My tears flow, my pain is deeper than you see, and the flowers I left on his headdress have long withered.
The soothing, almost haunting sound of Emeli Sande’s rendition of “Abide with Me” reminds me of the chilly autumn weekend in Minnesota before he left. I woke up with the rhythm of this hymn playing in my subconscious. I sang the tune for Mobolaji and asked what occasion the hymn was usually sung at, refusing to accept the thoughts already forming in my head. He chastised me and spoke as every superhero brother would, “Its nothing to scare yourself and IGP over. All will be right with our world again. Fret not!”
The passage of time has made me somewhat of an expert in masking my pain. The idea that time heals all things is alien to me because it still hurts just like it did bright and early on Tuesday a few years ago, I haven’t recovered and I hope that I never will because recovery for me sounds more like forgetting – I have no desire to forget. I want to hear his voice talking in my head. I want something he said or did to l pop up in my spirit and cause me to giggle inside of myself as if we were sitting and chatting.
On one sunny day years ago, I had the desire to go on a trip so I spoke to Oyins, my ange gardien at the time (see Out of Sorts!!!!!!!!!!!!), and she said the trip was unnecessary. I was furious. So, I called Y.S-H and demanded to be allowed to go on the trip because I had been the model “daughter”. To buttress my point, I cited examples of what other kids we knew were doing. I pointed out that I wasn’t like them and we both knew I could go on this trip and nobody will know about it. He waited for me to quite down, then he said,
“You cannot use the fact that we’ve said No to you as a Basis/Excuse to Change Who You’ve Been (Are).
“You cannot let other people’s action to whatever situation you face determine your response or reaction.”
All I ask is that He Abides with me always!
Photograpy by Lumi Morgan