Six Reasons I’m Single!
1. I live far away: From the cool areas where the upwardly mobile single guys are located. You know how it is when a guy loves you ridiculously, he would be ready to brave the okada menace and fight for petrol just so he can drive to your hood to see you? Yeah, that excitement and love is inversely proportional to the distance of your geographical location from, say, VI.
2. I attend an orthodox church: “Girlfriend, the real godly men are in the hip churches, the non-denominational ones where they sing disco praise and the pastor rocks denim. In the orthodox churches you only find straight-laced, unexposed guys, that are not on the same level as you.”
3. I don’t hit the clubs on the regular: Of course, the only place a girl can find a decent young man is in a smokey, booze-laced environment, where she has to keep hitting hands off her ‘nice ass’, and screaming to hold a conversation amidst the obnoxious music. No, wait, I know what it is! The only way to show that you can be fun is to hit the club; Simple things like karaoke, lounge-chilling, salsa, moon-watching/star-gazing and movies, are NOT fun.
4. I am comfortable/ I don’t look like I have needs: “Maybe you shouldn’t have bought a car”. “Maybe you should switch to a more feminine job”. “Maybe you shouldn’t buy yourself nice stuff”. “A man will not choose a girl that doesn’t show that she needs him to complete her. If she’s well-to-do, she’s already playing the man role”.
5. I am celibate: “Look, the earlier you understand this, the better: No one wants to buy anything that they can’t sample first”.
6. I am too fat: It’s the woman’s business to prepare herself to be discovered by the man. So, whether she likes it or not, she must be skinny and shapely. She must wear clothes that project her assets and make herself attractive and worth discovering. She should also not be picky; she must accept what comes her way. There are too many single women crying to be found and married, she must thank God for being found and accept her fate. He may be fat and unattractive, she must deal with it.